This is on my facebook page. It is UNCENSORED AS IN I will talk about just about anything. Let it be fun, or sad whatever. Please check it out and click like.
Many say angels only live in heaven
but, I know that not to be true
For if angels only lived in heaven
I would have never been blessed to know you
In a time when the rest of the world seem to fail me
and my own mother couldn't bare the sight of me
You were there with open arms
and joyful smiles
You loved me my husband and my son as your own
and kept us in your home for a while
You gave me love when I needed it most
You never let me give in to sadness of the devil
You saw me through the hard times
and embraced the miracles that were good
You were there for me in ways
A true angel would
You didn't give a second thought
to loving me and treating me like family
You gave me all you had
when you had nothing much to give
You gave me love and a place to live
You gave me hope and faith to go on
You have been a dear angel all along
And now I see that you need someone too
to stay here and remember all your love and kindness
You will need me to embrace the ones closest to you
as the sorrow of your loss will make us feel sad and blue
But, I know now you are going to be
in a happier place
You will be able to watch us from the heavens
as the breeze will touch our face
You will be our heavenly angel
I know that you will be safe
But, I know I will miss you and that smiley warm embrace
Thank you for being my angel
I hope you always knew
I am forever ever grateful for your love and will always think fondly of you
May your journey be peaceful
and may your warm smiles shine
though you will be in spirit
in my heart
Susana M.C.~ 1/30/2011
A bf gave a challenge to his gf"to live a day without him and no communications at all"and the bf said that if she passed it, he'll love her forever.and so the gf agreed>
She did not text or call the whole day without knowing that his bf has only 24hours to live because he's suffering from cancer....So she excitedly went to his bf's house the next day. Tears fall as she saw his bf lying on a coffin with a note on the side "You did it baby, Can you do it everyday? I LOVE YOU"
As I look at my friend list, I wonder how many truly look at the simple people that are off in the back ground that make our lives so full of meaning and never leave our souls. How many truly know how blessed they are? I am still crying over Harriet. She was a simple person who had a big heart and even though I only got to see her at the Ziggie building working switchboard, I never forgot to tell her I loved her and take my ten minutes each trip to say hello.
This last visit, was truly our last and I am grateful to the Lord, that I had that last visit and last hug and picture to hold close always.James helped her get a new oxygen tank from her car as others watched without a second glance at her struggling.
I told her that she was the best when James and I were growing up and she always let us meet up at the Ziggie building. She was there from the beginning of our love. She always loved me for me. She didn't do much just answer switchboards for over 20 yrs at Maryville. But, she loved her job and seeing us come back. She said that no one had been there to see her in a long time and she was so glad we stopped by.
I told her we always stopped just for her. And this trip we had to go to Hersey high school for my transcripts and I literally made James drive all the way back just so I could say my hello. She was so happy she took a picture even though she didn't want me to have one of her with that tank. And I didn't care. I just wanted one with her. She told us, "This was exactly what I needed!"
And I truly believe we were the only of the Maryville children that went back to see her regularly much less the last ones. It was in the stars for us to go all the way back to see that smile of hers.
And now I will hold close that moment I may have sensed was the last as I said my goodbyes and gave my hugs. I called Father Smythe's Secretary to ask her to call me if she heard of anything happening to her. I knew not many would know or think of her. AND at 4:30 am I read the status on Nina's page. I was broken. I was stunned and I was so happy that I got that one last minute to say I love you.
I think so many take for granite the love they are given by others, by the simple people. And It saddens my heart. So, many don't take that couple of minutes of time. And I did and I am glad. But, I still will miss a dear friend who always welcomed our family with open arms and watched as we grew. I am glad she got to hear of our wedding even if she didn't make it from being too sick. She sent a card. And she got to hear of James upcoming graduation and new business.
And she was proud and happy. She made us feel loved. And it was good to be loved by a special simple person in our hearts and lives.
Rest in peace Harriet Bass. The Cloutier family loves you. Thank you for being my simple loving friend. xoxoxo
I try and try and give each day
I try and try to be good in every way
I remember the lessons my mother said which turned out to be true
and I try so hard to turn to you
So, many said they loved me
and left me astray
The promised to always be there
where are they today?
They promised to love me for me
and yet here I am feeling alone and betrayed and hurting again todayThey say we should give with open hearts
and we should always love and never part from our true selves
But, honestly, my true self doesn't seem to be enough these days
It cost me friends that ignore me today
Am I too kind or just dumb and naive?
I just don't understand how someone could love me and leave
WE all make mistakes that is true?
But, where is the forgiveness if it is true?
Why allow someone to hurt you and then take them back?
I don't understand
I guess my mom's death taught me that But,.that is where I learned the silence,
For it is a lesson one can only learn on their own. That is when you keep them in your heart and pray tjey know they can stlill come to you
Why say you love me and then leave me when I needed you most
but, pretend like nothing happened
as if I am a ghost
The pain of watching one do over and over for others
after leaving me on that day
If it is pain they wanted to see
they sure got it in me today
But, I only wanted to fit in so bad
Instead they left me and fun they sure had
while I cried and cried they went out to play
And it was just supposed to be my one happy day
Maybe I wanted sister Linda was my mistake
I guess I just thought no one could take her place
Until my adopted one at heart that reminds me so much of her
It was so good to have a sister after losing mine
I hadn't felt that love in such a long time
So it seemed so fitting to want her there
and now I often wonder if she even cares
Then the words" She is not your sister and never was!" still haunts my mind everyday.
Maybe those words of bestfriend to me were true.
But, until that moment, I thought she and I believed it to be true. That we would always be sisters even if not by blood. `She made me love her like a sister and care and pray.
And it's damned if I do and damned If I don't say what I want to say.
One moment of weakness of trying to fit in and boom out of the blue, she was gone with the wind.
Why am I not good enough to be myself?
I drank and drank and thought it was enough for me to fit in. I just wanted to know the same feeling as my sister use to tell me, I wanted to blend. Linda if she were here, she would have been just fine. I blew it. I lost a friend I thought was a sister of mine. I don't even know how to approach her these days or even what to say. I guess the joke was on me in the end anyways.
Why even after I still give out of love for someone else, I feel so wrong. I give and give and still it is never enough.
So many needed me over the years and I was there.
Now, where are they? It's like they have disappeared. It's like they are ghosts of the past who no longer needed me today. Our kids are no longer able to play. Regardless of how they have grown, no one cares. I guess if they are not perfect, they are no longer welcome there. I see my FB faces and when do I see POKER faces of so many that won't even talk to me.
So, I am here alone again, because no one needs me today.
But, in every moment they needed me, I have jumped. Let it be to pick up kids, cry on a shoulder, make a ribbon for violence, I would have fought for any of them until the end. My life for them, I would have end if it meant to save them.
Maybe they just don't realize they put me in a slump. Not even at Christmas did the time come to say hello. Boy, there are so many I have missed them so.
My mother always told me to Live each moment as though it were your last blessing, She is right, Moments may never come back agaiin.
8 years ago when I was pregnant with my son after being raped and not knowing who the dad was. I endured much hell. This isn't even my point to my story although we know now and we will leave it at that.
One day my true beloved disappeared for 3 days and spent all my tax money and cost me my place to live thus making us homeless. And a so called friend could have said where he was and could have helped save him from the evil temptations that were introduced to him but, didn't. I lived with my mother a short time and ended up in dv shelters 3 times.
So, yes, I have lived the shame of cleaning up after beaten up women and drug addicts in a shelter. I was forced to go to groups every morning and every night. And If I didn't have my sons asleep in time for group I got written up. After 3 you get put out on the streets. I can assure you NOTHING WAS HANDED TO ME! I watched my mother get beat up by a man that was introduced to her by this so called friend. I watched the same people that went to church with us end up homeless and long and behold drug addicts!
It isn't about wishing someone harm! It is about them learning for themselves the hard way! Nothing in life is free! My mother taught me that! I have been homeless not once but 3 times in my life. I lost my two girls because I just couldn't get it together. NO I HAVE NOT DONE DRUGS! But, Lord knows sometimes I wonder how I Made it through all this bs and didn't end up that way.
So, again about this so called friend who never changed his ways and regrettably ended up in our lives not by my choice. His daughter became pregnant at 12 years old and gave birth at 13. She spent the last 8 years getting beat up by an abuser. She got pregnant again and has another child. One lives with her very mother who was never a good influence and never enforced morals herself. Sadly, this is one of those," I AM MADE OUT TO BE A BITCH BECAUSE I think she should learn that same hard way as many of the women I have met online and off line have. If you don't hit rock bottom kinda like drugs, you never learn!
The world is full of resources out there. And I am always willing to help. But, I don't make exceptions and free handouts to those who don't even try to get help or haven't even hit rock bottom. Honestly, why should I? Did anyone give me a handout a get out of Abuse free card? Let's be real for a moment. If this world was like that, I am sure most of us women would be dead.
It is my opinion that one has to CARE FOR THEIR OWN FIRST BEFORE WORRYING ABOUT THOSE OF OTHERS! And if you can't even take care of your own and are in denial, how dare you accuse me of being a hypocrite.
Yes, I have lived and learned and I have accepted my faults. And I would rather die a thousand deaths than let anyone take my sons or screw over my family.
I don't believe in people not trying to help themselves. So, if that makes me a bitch than so be it!So, yes, I have stayed offline. And yes, this is more info than many of you have had. But, enough is enough. I am tired of people labeling me as the bad one. I have listened to and cried to many DV and rape stories.
And all those women cried with me. And I have helped so many because I know what it is like to be the kid watching her mom be abused, the kid and teen and adult that was raped! I know what it is like to watch my back all the time because my own sister and mother weren't as lucky! I know the heartache of being in a shelter and homeless. I also know what it means to hit that rock bottom, get up from it and live my life to it's fullest!
You can't say you know if you haven't lived it or survived it. You can't just decide one day to say, " Oh, I know what it feels like, if you have never lived it!"
So many things would have been different if that one person would have just been a real friend. So many lives could have been changed and I may not have lost my girls completely and may not have had to live in shelters where I could clearly not care for them as I should. But, it happens.
I survived and now here I am trying to defend why I won't allow some little girl to just manipulate her way into getting through it for free and not going through the proper channels. Only an order of protection and groups and a shelter can get her the help she needs, independence and living and child care, clothes, all the things the right way.
Thanks for listening.
Susana M. C~
An angel above
Copyright© Susana M.C
Over the years she gave so much.
Many little girls’ and boys’ hearts she did touch.
She was a woman with a heart of gold. She gave love to children young and old.
She never let anyone go without.
She would never want to see a child sad on Christmas without a doubt.
So, please take this toy and love it well. If you decide you need to pass it on please do tell.
It once belonged to an angel who loved children so much.
She gave toys every year to all the children she loved as much as her own. Each doll has a dress with which she has sewn. May she rejoice in heaven for this gift is in honor of her wonderful life and kind heart.
We hope you have a Merry Christmas in honor of an angel tonight.
This is done for Carolyn Regan. She loved these toys and dolls for as long as I can remember.
Merry Christmas in heaven Grandma, love Susana and Christian.
Poem For My Grandma
Together We Can Recycle & Together We Can Help
A Bumble Bee Buzzing on my Dandelion Friend
Together We Can Enjoy The Fall Season
Together We Can Use Yesterday's Disappointments to inspire
Together We Can Enjoy A Rib
We Can Work Together To Plan Our Futures.
Together We Can Devour A Rib
Together We Can Dance
Together We Can Eat A Rib
Together We Can Eat A Rib #2
Together We Can Share A Rib
Together We Can Change The World
Together We Can Plant A Tree
Together We Can Be A Family
Together We Can Enjoy Life
Together We Can Watch Summer Become Fall
Together We Can Show Life And Death After Violence
Together We Can Save Dogs
Together We Can Recycle
Together We Can Help Earth
Together We Can Recycle
This is my Chris :)
Here is the Entry sniffles
I sit here today and wonder what to say, it has been almost 7 years since my Abuelita passed.
I truly miss her each and every day as she loved me, hugged me, she kissed me on the cheek. She always made me my favorite breakfast when I visited each week.
Pancakes, waffles, eggs she would insist. She always had a way to make me smile. Sometimes I just sit here and think of her for a while.
I wish I could ask her so many questions today, often wondering what she would say.
Why did someone have to take her life away? She was my Abuelita, a nurse and she was so cool. She would do anything to help anyone, even you.
Then I remember the day when I came home from school.
I was only in kindergarten when my mommy told me,” I have something very sad to tell you.” Do you remember the movie, “All Dogs Go To Heaven and how you loved it when Charlie came back?”
And I replied “yes”.( It was my favorite movie, I never forgot that!) “I would love it when Charlie would come back from heaven after winding his clock”.
Well, Mommy told me, “Abuelita went to heaven today, but her clock had stopped”.
(Charlie could wind his clock because it was a movie you see, though Abuelita couldn’t because this was not a movie.)
Now, as I sit here almost thirteen, I understand so much more now from everything I have seen. I have seen beautiful people that die for no good reason, also lives taken from people they believe in.
Life can be happy, also very sad. Together, we can remember all our angels and the impact they had.
Together we can make a difference and show the world what they choose not to see. Together we can show them how Domestic Violence affected me.
We can make a difference one person at a time, so one day you can save someone, even your grandma, and remember what happened to mine. Together we can stop Domestic Violence, raising our voices to speak for the silent.
-C.J. Cloutier 2010Copyright©
Remember me, the one who wore a smile on my face?Today, I am gone without a trace.
Remember me, the mother of your child?You took me away forever.
Remember me the one who was there for you?Now look at you.
Running around wild and free, having more children, but, do you remember me?The one who trusted you and loved you!
The one who would have and did die for you?The very reason you live on is because of me.
But, do you or will you remember me?Chances are, you will never let my child remember, the love and care of me! I am Mommy to that child.
Do you remember me?I am the one who tried and cried!
I am the one to whom you have lied!I am the one who would never second guess!
That is until the day, she took my happiness. My love you took for granite and gave to another.
You didn't care, I was your child's mother. You didn't care to remember me when you were inside her!
You did't care for me, when you had help from her!Help, to rid me of my pride and joy!
Help to take me away from my babygirl and boy!
Help,to erase me so, I would disappear without a trace!
Do you Remember ME??
I am on their face!I am every smile, every tear, in their voice, it is I you hear!I am their wiping every tear and holding them dear.
But, not as mommy as an angel close and near.
Do you remember me?I was young, beautiful and naive!
Now, what's left for the world to see?
Just pictures of me and that smile you took away. One day, they will all know.
I didn't choose you first, but, them.
And you couldn't take it in the end!
All you had to do, was let me be.
Do you REMEMBER ME???If you don't it won't matter. So, many others will.
I am always here. I will be watching. I will be that chill that walks up and down your spine.
I pray no others will have a fate like mine!
Copyright© Susana M.C. 10/2/2010
" We never forget you Linda!"
For whatever reason, I cam home today, sat at my computer and had the urge to type. Oddly, I had the chills while doing this poem. This one just flowed. I don't think this has happened this way in like 7 years. Either way, this poem is for my sister.